Attachment Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do (and Why It Hurts Sometimes)
- Leah Cofield
- Feb 13
- 4 min read
We don’t just “date wrong people.” We attach the only way we learned how.
Attachment isn’t about being needy or independent. It’s about nervous system wiring. It’s about what love felt like when you were small, powerless, and learning what connection costs.
If love was safe, consistent, and emotionally attuned, your body learned: Connection is steady. I can reach and be met.
If love was unpredictable, distant, critical, chaotic, or conditional, your body learned something else entirely.
And now, in adult relationships, that wiring shows up.
Not because you’re broken. But because your nervous system is trying to protect you.
Let’s talk about what this really looks like.
1. Secure Attachment: “I Can Reach and I’ll Be Met”
This doesn’t mean perfect. It means regulated.
Securely attached adults:
Can express needs without shame.
Can handle conflict without assuming abandonment.
Don’t see distance as immediate rejection.
Don’t chase or withdraw as a first reflex.
They don’t panic when someone needs space and they don’t shut down when someone gets close.
Relationally, security feels steady. There’s room for individuality and intimacy. Repair happens. Hard conversations don’t mean the relationship is over.
Security is not personality. It’s nervous system safety. And it can be built.
2. Anxious Attachment: “Please Don’t Leave Me”
If you have anxious attachment, closeness matters deeply to you. But so does reassurance.
You may:
Overanalyze tone shifts and text response times
Feel panic when someone pulls back.
Want more closeness when the other person wants space.
Feel like you’re “too much.”
The truth? Your system learned that love wasn’t consistent. Maybe care came and went. Maybe you had to perform, achieve, or manage others’ emotions to stay connected. So now, distance feels dangerous.
Relationally, this can look like:
Pursuing when the other withdraws.
Feeling devastated by small ruptures.
Equating intensity with intimacy.
And underneath it all is a deep longing to feel chosen. Anxious attachment isn’t weakness. It’s hypervigilance in the name of connection.
3. Avoidant Attachment: “I Don’t Need Anyone”
Avoidant attachment often gets labeled as cold. But what it is... is protective.
You may:
Struggle to express vulnerability.
Feel suffocated by too much closeness.
Pull away when emotions get intense.
Pride yourself on independence.
Somewhere along the way, you learned that your needs weren’t safe to express. Maybe emotions were dismissed. Maybe you had to grow up quickly. Maybe closeness felt overwhelming or intrusive.
So your body learned: I’ll handle it myself. With an emphasis on, I don't need anyone else.
Relationally, this can look like:
Downplaying feelings.
Shutting down during conflict.
Needing space when your partner wants connection.
Avoidance isn’t lack of care. It’s self-protection from overwhelm.
4. Disorganized Attachment: “I Want You… But I’m Afraid of You”
This is the most misunderstood pattern. Disorganized attachment is often rooted in trauma, where the person who was supposed to be safe was also the source of fear.
So now, closeness feels both necessary and threatening.
You may:
Crave deep intimacy
Panic once you have it.
Swing between pursuit and withdrawal.
Feel confused by your own reactions.
Relationally, it can feel chaotic. There’s a push-pull dynamic that even you may not fully understand.
It’s not drama. It’s a nervous system caught between longing and fear.
Why This Matters in Relationships
Attachment styles don’t just live in childhood.
They show up in:
Who you’re attracted to.
How you argue.
How you handle silence.
Whether you ask for what you need.
How you respond when someone disappoints you.
Often, anxious partners pair with avoidant partners. One pursues. One distances. Both feel misunderstood. Both feel alone.
Without awareness, this cycle can repeat for years. With awareness, it can be interrupted.
Here’s the Part We Don’t Talk About Enough
Your attachment style is not your identity. It’s a pattern. And patterns can change.
But not through shame.
Not through “trying harder.”
Not through forcing yourself to be different.
Change happens through:
Safe relationships
Consistent repair
Naming triggers instead of acting them out
Learning to regulate your body before reacting (this one is essential)
Letting someone stay when you’re honest about your needs.
Attachment healing is slow. It’s steady. It’s layered.
You will catch yourself mid-pattern and cringe.
You will overreact sometimes.
You will shut down sometimes.
Healing is not never being triggered. It’s noticing sooner. Repairing faster. Choosing differently. And experiencing safety over and over and over again consistently.
A Gentle Truth
If you struggle in relationships, it does not mean you are unlovable. It likely means you learned to survive connection instead of rest in it. And your nervous system is doing exactly what it was trained to do.
The invitation is not to judge it. The invitation is to get curious.
What does my body do when someone gets close?
What do I assume when someone is quiet?
What feels more familiar; chaos or steadiness?
What am I protecting?
Attachment work is not about blaming your past. It’s about building a future where connection feels safe enough to stay. And that kind of work is brave. It’s vulnerable. And it changes everything.
What happened to you is not your fault. But healing is your responsibility. Route to Respite is here to walk this out with you. Email routetorespite@gmail.com today or fill out the form below.
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